I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
