She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
All the doctor said was why
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
