For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
