What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Randomize
