okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
