Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
