All I know is that if italians start TIME TRAVELLING were all in a lot of trouble paizon
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
This gyro tastes like lonliness
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
