if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
