Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
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