the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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