Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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