I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
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