I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Randomize
