I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I faked an abortion last night.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
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