Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
