How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
