Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
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