I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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