Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Randomize
