YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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