I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
we're making bets on your personal life
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Randomize
