My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
