Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
