she was so not down for the gang bang
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
