saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I need to stop coming to work sober
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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