I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Success! We fucked roommates!
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