Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
i drank out of a bidet.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Randomize
