You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Randomize
