I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Randomize
