when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
Randomize
