I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
