Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
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