i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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