my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
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