I can text with my tongue
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
ttyl tear gas
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Randomize
