Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
