Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
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