There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
