There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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