just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
