watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
