My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
