so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Randomize
