i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Randomize
