Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
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