Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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