I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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