thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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