I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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