so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
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