I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
