There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
