i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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