why didn't you poke me back
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
