we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
