We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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