who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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