Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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