The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
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